


42

by krucxa



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: (probably), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Depression, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, bc now they're almost strangers in this fic, but not anymore, i'm planning to give this a happy ending but idk, jisung is longing after felix and what they used to be, kind of, so it's actually pretty sad, some slight homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-16
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-19 12:11:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13704213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/krucxa/pseuds/krucxa
Summary: Felix and him were best friends, once.





	1. Chapter 1

Felix and him were best friends, once.

It all started when they were in middle school. They didn't really knew each other at first, just knew of the other's existence - hanging out in other groups of friends, with no apparent interests they shared, they only saw each other in classes they had together. 

Sure, there always were some greetings exchanged, some awkward smiles or an unsure wave but really, nothing else than that. 

Until one day, when Felix's desk mate was absent from school, probably from a cold or something. 

Jisung never actually had a usual desk mate, as he was always the _third wheel_ to his own best friends, so as he saw Felix sitting alone, he came up to the other and asked him if they could sit together the rest of their classes. 

Then, as Felix saw him pulling out his sketchbook, the boy let out an excited gasp, saying that drawing was his hobby as well - and showing some of his own sketches to prove it. They weren’t the best, of course, as they were still young and didn’t have that much practice – in the next few years, Felix would cringe at the single mention of his old work, but at the moment, it was way better than what the other kids could draw, and Jisung couldn’t help but feel like he just found his soulmate. 

Felix's usual desk mate didn't turn up for the whole week, but the kids didn't bring this up as they just spend more time with each other - discovering more things about the other, showing their new friend their interest and all that. 

The fact that Felix and his friends were kind of iffy the last few months helped Jisung and him to became closer. 

It didn't take them long to become best friends, their parents quickly getting used to seeing the two spend their time together. Whenever Jisung came back home at a late hour, or giggled in his room for hours for no apparent reason, it was usually because of the other boy, and his parents liked how their son seemed way happier after hanging out with Felix. 

But like everything, their friendship also had its end. 

×

The end of their friendship didn't happen because of some big misunderstanding or some emotional fight - it actually was a pretty slow process. 

The thing is, as they graduated from middle school, they went to study to two other places. As Jisung went to the art school he’s wanted to study in for years now, Felix's parents didn't agree with him going there as well, saying that he wouldn't get any job from it. And as the boy would do anything at his age his parents told him – he listened, choosing a school that was acceptable in his parents’ opinion. 

As they also lived almost three kilometers apart, it was hard to meet each other sometimes. And yeah, in the summer they still hanged out a lot, but when school started again, they saw the other’s face once every few weeks, usually it wasn’t even intentional – just meeting in the bus, or in a grocery store of all places. 

It hurt Jisung, it really did, but he couldn't do anything about it, too scared that if he said anything he'd lose his best friend for good. 

But no matter how scared of it he was, it still happened. 

×

It was a long, tiring day, and as Jisung waited for his bus to come, he couldn't help but think about him. Felix, the boy he once used to call his best friend – but not anymore. 

About the way he used to smile so wide at Jisung's jokes, how he used to nudge him in the shoulder just after, murmuring _you're such a loser_ in a light, yet teasing voice as he finally calmed down from his fit of giggles. 

He remembered how close they were, how they shared their deepest secrets under Felix's blankets as they cuddled in his bed, a sleepover that wasn't planned but they quickly agreed that it wasn’t unwelcome. 

He remembered how Felix used to come to his house without any earlier announcement, just to ramble about that one annoying thing that happened to him that day, then listening attentively to Jisung, as he complained about the art block that haunted him in return. 

But those times were already over. 

And now Felix didn't even notice him anymore as they hurriedly passed each other in a crowd. 

He let out a sigh, watching as his breath appeared in the cold weather, and he buried his face deeper into the scarf hanging loosely around his neck. 

He didn't bring any gloves with him, and now, as he stared at his fingers that were getting slightly pinkier with every minute, he regretted the decision. 

But hey, the bus was supposed to finally arrive in only two minutes, so it's okay. He'll manage – he always did, after all. 

At this point he couldn't even feel his nose, but at least his ears were covered by the headphones that played LuHan's Skin to Skin softly, so the situation wasn’t as bad as it could be, he guessed. 

And the bus finally appeared, just as the song finished. A little later than it was supposed to, but Jisung was used to this. 

Inside it wasn't as crowded as it can be sometimes, but it wasn't that empty either. He stood by the doors, as all of the seats were already taken, and he looked out the glass, watching the same town he saw every day, same houses, same ride, the only thing unusual was the snow that finally decided to fall. 

But then a hand fell onto his shoulder and he looked up to see a familiar pair of dark eyes, that was looking at him with some uncertainity barely visible behind them. 

"Jisung? You ride this bus?" the familiar, too familiar, and yet so foreign by now voice called out softly, and he felt something inside him stir nervously. 

It was his best friend. Or what he used to be, at least. Now, they weren't even acquaintances at this point. He scrunched his nose at the thought, hoping that it would go away. 

_You've never even bothered to notice me_ , his mind added in bitterly, but what left his mouth was just a simple, "yeah." 

Felix smiled at him, but it wasn't his full smile, Jisung could tell it wasn't. They knew each other so well he could recognize if it was fake. 

"I haven't seen you in forever," the boy murmured. _I wonder why_ , Jisung's mind added unhelpfully again, but he swallowed the words that threatened to spill out of his mouth. It wasn't Felix's fault, not only his at least. They were both guilty. 

So he just shrugged, brushing his own neck with his palm. 

"So, how's it in Daseot? The teachers haven't overworked you yet?" he asked instead. 

The other let out a light chuckle, that sounded kind of stiff if you paid enough attention to it. 

"Nah, still alive, even though it gets hard sometimes. And you? I've heard some interesting things about Seumul." 

"It's nice, especially on Mondays, since then we have like, art classes only," Jisung replied, not sure what to say next. They fell into silence, but it wasn't a comfortable one, like what he associated with Felix once, and Jisung scratched at his arm awkwardly, trying to think of something to break it, yet coming up with nothing. 

But they were already nearing his stop, and he coughed into his fist to catch Felix's attention, smiling a little too widely, too fake for it to be real. 

"I'm gonna head out, It's my stop," he mumbled, gesturing outside vaguely. 

"I know," the younger replied, and that was it. 

Jisung simply waved as a goodbye, before leaving the bus. Then he took a shaky breath, his eyes tearing up just a little bit, before he brushed at them with the back of his hand. 

Felix remembered where he lived. 

Yeah, of course he did, because why wouldn’t he, but that still left Jisung feeling... weird. 

Was it sadness? Happiness? He wasn't sure. Maybe he feared somewhere deep inside him that the other forgot everything about Jisung already. 

Because Jisung wasn't able to forget, no matter how hard he tried. 

×

Figuring out he was bi wasn't easy. 

Until he was thirteen, he didn't even question himself being, well, not hetero. 

Because everyone here was hetero. He was a boy, so he was supposed to like girls, that's what everyone kept telling him since he was young. His parents, his friends - not a single person ever even said the word _gay_ , unless to make fun of someone. 

So he couldn't be _not straight_ , right? 

And yet, as one of his closest friends at the time, that he met on the internet, asked him to be his boyfriend, he wasn’t sure what to do. He just stayed silent, his thoughts wild as the boy asked him further, because was he gay? 

And when the question fell from the other's lips, Jisung realized that he didn't actually know. 

The next months he spend wondering if what he felt was attraction towards other boys, or was it just simple admiration? Because, sure, he did found them pretty, or handsome, but that could be explained as him just, you know, having eyes and being able to tell who's attractive and who isn't. 

And as he sat in his class in high school, his thoughts kept on wandering to his own sexuality. 

What he was sure of, was that he didn't want to have sex, as just the thought of himself doing it made him feel disgusted. But it's not like he didn't want to do it with a _boy_ necessarily - he didn't really want to do it with a girl either. 

But he still had crushes, and boy there was a lot of them, even if the wildest thoughts he had about them would be wanting to hold their hand. 

And as he had his first crush on a boy, he finally find a word for himself - or more like, two words. Asexual and biromantic

. Even though the only place he could freely call himself that was the internet, since almost every person he knew in real life was homophobic, the label still made him feel somewhat calm, comfortable, true to his own self. 

It took him some time to figure it out, it also took some denying and some lack of willingness to accept it, but in the end, here he was, and he was pretty sure that he wasn't as straight as everyone told him he should be. 

At the time, he still met up with Felix, when they had the time. And as they went ice skating together, he decided that he could come out to the other - they knew each other so long, after all, so he could trust the newly dyed blonde boy. 

And as Jisung finally used these two words that never fell from his lips before, Felix asked further about how he knew that's what he was and what were those feelings like, but the questions were full of respect and Jisung couldn't help but feel thankful. The boy was the first person to make him feel accepted, comfortable in using his label, and he felt something stir inside his chest, even though at the time he wasn't sure what it meant. 

That night, Felix said that he was pretty sure he was straight, but he didn't act any different around Jisung, and the older was glad that he didn't. 

×

College was a lot of things, in Jisung’s opinion, but it sure wasn't what he was expecting. 

In high school, his classmates liked to bully him, since he was the quiet one that didn't really know anyone there. The fact that he didn't even talk to any of them for the first year he spend there, only pushed the bullying further. 

They didn't like, beat him up or anything, no, they just made fun of everything he did. They made fun of his, a little chubby at the time cheeks, of the way he appeared so nervous when he had to hold a presentation in front of the whole class, and anything else that they could think of. 

But Jisung stayed quiet, because he knew that if he tried to tell their teachers or his parents, the bullying would only be even worse. 

So when he graduated and went to college, people actually treating him like another human being surprised him to no end - but it's not like he was gonna complain. The change was unexpected, but not unwelcome. 

In his art class, he had his own circle of friends. They weren't the best he could think of, but he still liked them, at least usually. 

That's what he kept reminding himself as he talked with one of them before their next lesson. 

"God, I miss her so much," mumbled his friend into his hands as Jisung pet his shoulder comfortingly. 

The boy's girlfriend broke up with him almost four months ago, but he still wasn't over it, as their relationship lasted for a long, long time, and Jisung couldn't do anything but comfort him every time he remembered her. 

"I feel you," he murmured back, just because it was true, but the other glanced up at him, looking him up and down, unconvinced. 

"You've been single all your life, you have no idea how it is to really miss someone," replied the boy, and Jisung's hands tightened their grip on his shoulder. He bit his lip just a little bit too hard, so he wouldn't spill anything that he'd later regret, even though his lip hurt for the rest of the day. 

"Of course," he said as he shot the other the fakest smile he could muster at the moment. 

At least the bell saved him from dealing with the other boy any longer. 

×

As he took the bus home that day, he couldn't stop the bitterness and the longing from taking over his heart. 

His lip might have hurt, but the dull ache in his chest hurt way more than a broken lip ever could. 

And as he changed the buses, he couldn't help but notice Felix sitting at the front of it, chatting happily with someone in the seat next to him. Jisung squinted at them, trying to guess who the person was, but no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't recognize them. 

One thing he could tell, though, was that they got along pretty well - and Jisung wasn't going to take that from them. 

So before Felix could notice him as well, Jisung quickly went to sit in the back, putting on his headphones and making himself look busy. 

If Felix even glanced his way in the bus, he didn't say anything. 

And Jisung was okay with that. It didn't bother him, at all. 

At least that's what he kept telling himself as he was getting ready to go to sleep. 

Needless to say, he didn't get any rest that night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't be fooled by the quick update, i don't promise that another will be as quick as this one  
> this fic is kinda like a vent to me, so the updates probably won't be regular

Depression wasn't anything like what people around him seemed to believe it was.

He didn't find the assigned to him prince right after he broke down in front of his whole class in high school, and his classmates didn't suddenly realize that bullying others wasn't actually a good thing to do. Instead, when he finally snapped in his last year of the shool, the other kids only made fun of him even more, laughing at the tears that streamed down his cheeks, talking how pathetic he was.

The only other student that didn't treat him the same way was Changbin, a boy older than him by a year that stayed one year longer in school because he went abroad for a year. He was his only actual friend in the whole school, and he held his hand as Jisung cried next to him in their shared desk.

He didn't comment on how tight Jisung's grip on his fingers was, and Jisung was thankful for that.

What he later got around to knowing is that Changbin used to be scared of him in their first year, the fact amusing him to no end.

"Well what did you expect, you were that one kid that didn't even talk to anyone, just kinda glared at people as you kept on drawing in that sketchbook of yours, of course I was scared!" was how Changbin defended his pride every time that Jisung brought it up, snickering at the older boy's expression.

But Changbin went to another college, and they didn't share any classes anymore.

They still met up a lot, though, but it wasn't enough for Jisung as he sat in the classes he disliked the most, staring off into space as his hands unconsciously travelled the same way on his arms as various sharp objects once did.

And every time he glanced at the sharp marks on his skin, just a little paler than his usual skin tone, he couldn't help but count how many years it has been since he became depressed.

He didn't know when it exactly started - the feeling of numbness, the way the things he once used to love weren't as fun anymore, the dark thoughts at the back of his mind that he with time got used to. So he declared the first time he intentionally hurt himself as the time that it all started being official - and that day was almost four years ago by now.

At first it was just, him feeling sad every now and then. The few little things that piled up, making him cry every second night, as he sobbed into the pillows so that his family wouldn't hear him. He got used to making himself a cup of water before going to bed, in case he cried again so he wouldn't have to come out of his room and possibly make his family realize what he was just doing - but even when he actually had to, it wasn't a problem anymore either, as he learned what things to do and the opposite when you stopped crying - like not rubbing his cheeks after it but petting the tears away gently, as the first option would make it more obvious, making his skin redder than it already was. So it was okay, he managed it.

With time, the sadness changed into bitterness. Angry red marks appearing on his skin, that he hid with long sleeved shirts and sometimes even make up, which didn't work that well so he didn't use it that much, as he hissed from the constant reminder of what he did to himself, the pain not big enough to leave him crying, but enough to make him wince every time someone touched him.

He was angry at the people that made him like this, his parents, his bullies, his fake friends and even at the one person that he used to call his one and only best friend, that left him after all that happened between them.

But the curses he threw at them in his mind didn't change anything, only making him feel worse than he did before. And as he cried out of frustration, he repeated again and again, that he didn't want to live anymore, that he's had enough of this, even though he didn't dare to actually do anything about it.

So one time, as he pulled on a jumper, the sleeves not only hid the random cuts, but also the angry red _coward_ written on his forearm.

After a year, he just stopped caring. He found himself more and more sitting inside his bedroom, staring at his sheets blankly. At the time he figured out that he wouldn't mind if he fell asleep one day, and wouldn't wake up again.

He didn't exactly seek out death, but it's not like he ran away from it either.

After a while he accepted that him living or not didn't actually change anything. So every time he thought of his future, he just guessed that he's gonna die before reaching the age that people would call him an adult - which kind of screwed him later on, as he was way closer to it than he'd like, still alive, somehow.

But he managed.

He always did.

×

Jisung glared at the paint staining his hands, the light blue on the tip of his fingers and the few black smudges on the inside of his palm. Just a little lower, a string of red paint circled his wrist, a few blured purple spots adorning his thumb.

He felt like it was making fun of him, mocking him for not being able to draw what he had in his mind.

He didn't know why, but painting just wasn't as fun as it used to be.

Sure, he did it for his shool assignments and things like that, but honestly if he even tried to think of the last time he willingly poured his heart onto paper, he couldn't actually remember. The things he drew weren't as colourful anymore, and the faces his hands painted inside his sketchbook were either dull of any emotions, or way too full of them, but only the negative ones. Pulling at their hair, with tightly closed eyes, a mouth twisted in a painful scream. He also frequently drew hands, with deep cuts and purple bruises, before he noticed that he was drawing his own arm.

And he noticed a pattern in his sketches, that every single one of them had this tired look about it, the eyebags emphasized, the eyebrows furrowed just a little bit, which wouldn't be noticeable if you didn't pay any more attention to it - but Jisung did, and he stared at his own drawings for hours, not sure what he did wrong this time, feeling disgusted at how they came out.

Sometimes even, the people reminded him of someone. The little accented freckles on one of his drawings cheeks, the short, blonde locks on the other - and as he realized who it made him think of, he avoided looking at them again for the rest of the day.

It wasn't easy.

But was anything, ever?

×

Today Jisung's last two classes were cancelled, and his mood was pretty cheerful despite the cold weather. You could consider it his happy day, as he got praised at school today for one of his paintings that he was actually, for once proud of, and his bus arrived just two minutes after he showed up at the stop - the second one already on it's way when he got there.

But he wasn't prepared for what was waiting for him inside.

He only took one step before he heard his own name being called, and he glanced up from his phone into the deep, so deep eyes that were staring right back at him, a small smile on the person's lips. It was Felix, this time alone, and he looked kind of tired as he stood by the empty seats.

"Hi," he greeted, and Jisung waved at him awkwardly, not sure what to say. He did walk towards him though, just to stand next to the blonde.

"You dyed your hair since I last saw you," murmured Felix, making Jisung look up at his reflection in the windows, the new burgundy colour adorning his locks, that he dyed just a week ago.

"Yeah, I just though that I needed some change," explained Jisung, brushing some bangs out of his eyes as he looked at the other from the corner of his eye.

"It looks nice."

"Thanks."

And once more, silence fell between them. Jisung gulped, trying to find a new topic to talk about, just to fill the quiet that made him feel so anxious.

"I see you're still blonde, as always," he said, not even glancing at the other, who shrugged in response.

"Yeah, after all it's still just the same old me."

And Jisung didn't know why, but the sentence made his heart hurt for some reason.

Because he didn't agree.

In his own, personal opinion, Felix wasn't the same person as he used to be. Jisung wasn't, either. They both changed, leaving their old friendship behind them as they left middle school.

And it hurt.

It's just that. It kind of hurt, when he thought about it.

And as he was about to leave the bus, it didn't even stop where it was supposed to, instead still going forward, leaving Jisung confused, as they both didn't expect it to happen.

"Guess I could just come and visit you then, huh?" he joked lightly, thinking about how much he didn't want to go so far to his own home, but the uneasy smile that Felix shot him reminded him that they weren't what they were before.

Because they weren't as close anymore. And the whole thing must've made the other uncomfortable.

Why did he have to say that, he sounded so desperate, it was so embarrassing, so stupid, _so stupid_.

"Sorry, there are some guests visiting today, I don't think my mom would be happy to see another one coming unnannouced," replied the blonde, and Jisung couldn't help but think that the other just made that up so he wouldn't have to spend more time with him.

Because, hey, why would he want to do it?

It was just Jisung, after all. The stupid, desperate Jisung.

"It's okay," he mumbled, even though it really, really wasn't.

And after they both left the bus, they went into two different directions, Felix murmuring a quiet _well, bye_ , before he turned away.

And Jisung kept on biting his lip on his way back home, harder and harder, until he felt the taste of blood fill his mouth and he hissed at the slight burn on his lip.

Nothing could distract him from the regret he felt, his good mood from before disappearing as fast as it appeared before.

×

Jisung never really had much dreams that he remembered later on.

Sure, there were some reoccurring dreams from his childhood, that haunted him at night as he was still a kid, like the dreams where he had to find an exit from a specific place, or that one where a big, scary trash can kept on following him with the intention of eating him - but nothing else really.

Usually he just forgot most of his dreams either the moment he woke up, or just a few minutes after.

And he was already used to it, so when he opened his eyes one day, flustered at what he was dreaming about, and the dream didn't seem to actually leave him, he couldn't help but wonder, living the dream again and again in his mind.

The dream consisted of his fifteen year old self, sitting inside his own bedroom, painting stars and galaxies on the walls with a smile.

In the dream, painting still made him feel good about himself - what his awake self envied of the dream Jisung.

After a few minutes in, though, the doors opened, a grinning Felix crashing into the room, before sitting next to him on the bed and staring at his drawings in awe.

"You should teach me how to draw," the dream Felix said, making Jisung snicker.

"Shut up, you draw way better things than me," he replied in the dream, putting down his paintbrush as he stared critically at what he made.

"It's not my fault that I want to capture in my sketchbook the most beautiful things," the blonde boy mumbled, sitting just a little closer to him, making their thoughts touch, and Jisung raised one of his eyebrows skeptically.

"Beautiful things like what?" he snorted, finally glancing at the other boy, just to find him already staring back at him, an unreadable expression on his face, and Felix crawled closer again, putting his hands on Jisung's cheeks, brushing them lightly, the gentle touch paired with the way Felix's entire attention suddenly focused on him made the older blush.

"Like you," murmured the blonde boy, and before the words could get to Jisung, the older brought his face even closer, and suddenly there was a pair of lips on the corner of his own.

That's when he woke up, feeling warm all over, as he brushed at his red cheeks, wondering what the dream was about.

Why would he dream about Felix?

Especially something like _that_?

Maybe Jisung's feelings towards the boy weren't as platonic as he thought before?

But no, he couldn't like Felix. Especially not now, as they weren't even friends anymore. The single thought of it made him feel sick, like he would be selfish for doing so, and just as his whole body felt comfortably warm before, now he just curled in himself, turning to lie on his side, facing the wall, so that maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't feel so ashamed of his feelings anymore.

However, the disgust he felt towards himself stayed, buried deep inside his chest. 

And he beat himself up for it in his mind, as he suddenly felt like vomiting.


	3. Chapter 3

Birthdays were... an interesting thing, for lack of a better fitting word, in Jisung's opinion.

When you were young, people celebrated it almost as much as some kind of a holiday, with big grins and loud laughter, a cake made specifically for the person's birthday put on the table as they all wished them a happy, long life.

And as much as Jisung enjoyed birthday party's in theory, he didn't really like actually going on them.

Not only buying an ideal present for a friend was something that Jisung couldn't help but stress about, the whole thing usually consisted of a bunch of people gathering in one place - which he really, really preferred to avoid as much as he possibly could.

It's not that he necessarily disliked people - okay, wait, no, he did. He just didn't enjoy spending his time in a crowd. He found it too stressful, the sea of people just too much, too suffocating for him.

If he had to choose between going to a party or staying alone in his room, it wouldn't take him much time to find an answer - he liked being alone. Meaning, alone, not lonely, even though some people around him seemed to think it was the same thing.

Jisung doesn't even remember when he stopped celebrating his own birthdays - it just, kind of, happened. Nobody really questioned it, his parents just giving him a little gift instead, his friends wishing him to have a nice day and other typical things like that.

But with time as he gave his friends the best gifts he could come up with, they seemed to forget the fact that his birthday existed as well.

He wasn't going to complain, though. He already got used to vanishing from people's lives.

So if those friends forgot not only about his birthdays but also about Jisung as a whole, he wouldn't really blame them.

He just sat in silence, watching as they did so.

×

When they were still in middle school, Felix and Jisung frequently shared their drawings with each other, accompanied by big smiles and excited compliments.

It was just a hobby at the time, but they enjoyed spending their time together, painting in silence or with some music playing in the backgroung, comparing their sketches and commenting on what they liked or disliked in them.

Later on, even when they weren't in the same place at the moment, they took photos of the drawings they were proud of, before sending them to the other, showing off what they came up with that day.

With time, as their friendship started to wither, the texts that were once a daily thing, slowly changed into a simple photo of a drawing every few weeks, then months, until they stopped altogether.

It's already been four years since they grew apart, and yet Jisung still found himself directing his camera at his new paintings, before realizing what he was doing, immediately deleting the photo and throwing his phone on the bed, away from the painting and from himself.

×

Jisung hasn't always been like this.

When he was just a little kid, he believed that there's something good waiting for every person. He used to believe in true, perfect love, that everyone had a specific person designated for them, he believed that all bad things that happened existed only so that you could appreciate the good things more.

But he wasn't the same person anymore.

He grew up, leaving all these beliefs behind him, and now he could only stare numbly at his knuckles as he thought about the little boy that he used to be.

He hasn't cut himself in almost a year now, he's sure of that, he's been counting. But now, as his gaze locked on the skin of his hands, he couldn't help but feel that he should. Do it again.

People see the random cuts on your forearm or on the wrist, but what Jisung noticed lately is that they don't really pay attention to the knuckles.

Maybe Felix would, once.

But they don't talk anymore, and others don't care anyway.

So Jisung didn't really think about it more.

He wanted to be able to feel something besides the dull ache in his chest.

Besides the way how empty he felt as he looked at his reflection in the mirror, the hollow eyes that stared right back at him.

He just wanted to feel something. He didn't really care about what it would be, as long as it was there. Anything.

And for the rest of the day, the sting of his knuckles was a constant reminder of what he's done.

And the next day as well.

And another again.

And as his gaze fell onto the angry red marks staining his knuckles, he couldn't help but think how he's already forgotten how much cuts like these could hurt.

But at least he felt something, so his wish was granted.

×

It's a cold, winter evening when Jisung and Changbin meet up, happy to see the other as they haven't been able to do it for the last two months. That's how it is when you go to college, Jisung guessed - especially if your own was in another town and it took you two hours to get back home, he didn't really have much time to go out and meet his best friend.

New best friend, that is.

It didn't happen because Jisung felt the need to fill the empty space Felix left - it just happened naturally, them spending so much time together, getting so comfortable they cuddled every time they got a chance to do so, and with time, calling Changbin his best friend didn't hurt as much as it did at first, when Jisung still wasn't comfortable using those two words.

But they were chilling in his bedroom now, their legs tangled as the older hugged him from behind and they complained about the annoying events that took place in their lives lately.

As Jisung thought about it now, maybe in another life, another universe he and Changbin would end up being together - romantically. He knew that they loved each other so deeply they would be a happy couple if it ever happened. But in this life, Jisung's heart was already stolen by someone else, and Changbin just wasn't interested in boys, not in that way.

"You've been acting kind of weird, today," suddenly muttered Changbin, Jisung just humming in response as he stared up at the ceiling.

"You remember Felix? You know, the one that I told you about a few months ago?"

Jisung had no idea why he said it, but he didn't try to stop the words falling from his mouth, too tired to hide it anymore.

"What about him?"

Changbin's voice was quiet, but he could tell the other's concern from it, and his lips pulled into a tight smile.

"I miss him, sometimes," he whispered, not even glancing the older in the eye, his fingers playing with the sleeve of his hoodie nervously, "I'm just. I don't know. I feel like, kind of sad? It's weird."

He felt the other pulling him closer, cuddling into him just a little bit more, and for some reason his eyes became a little watery, but he didn't bother to rub at them.

Changbin wasn't good with words, but just by his actions Jisung knew that the other tried to help him feel better, and he was thankful for that.

×

They met again.

At the bus.

Felix shouted his name excitedly, waving his arm so that Jisung could see him, and the older couldn't even act like he didn't hear him, as he forgot to bring his headphones with him that day.

So he walked up to the blonde, who was already sitting with two other people, seemingly close to him.

"Do you remember Hyunjin?" asked Felix, gesturing vaguely at the boy next to him, and Jisung nodded, uncertain.

Hyunjin and him knew about each other, bt never actually talked in person. They were from different classes in middle school, and Hyunjin seemed to be really popular there, a thing that Jisung could never be.

He heard that Hyunjin and Felix went to the same high school - that's probably where the two started getting along. And Jisung wasn't bitter. Of course he wasn't.

"Jisung, right?" asked the boy, and Jisung just nodded, smiling, although a little fakely.

"What are you majoring in?" Hyunjin asked further, seeming to be actually, truly interested in it. Jisung didn't dare ask why.

"Arts."

Hyunjin let out a gasp, followed with an excited _that's so cool!_ , and they continued their small talk.

Jisung wasn't sure when the topic changed to snapchat, but as he later left the bus, he had a new person added in it. It was Felix, as Hyunjin apparently didn't have the app, and the blonde said that he didn't use it that often, but it was enough.

Jisung didn't really know what to think.

He both hoped that somehow, they would grow a little closer because of it, but at the same time he kind of wanted to erase the other from his contacts.

In the end, he didn't do anything, but the thoughts about it didn't seem to leave him alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as i edited this chapter, the person Felix in this fic is based on send me a snapchat  
> ironic, isn't it?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a shorter chapter that i don't have the energy to beta bc i don't want to make myself sad once again dkhskd  
> i'm so sorry towards jisung tho, i project onto him way too much in this fic (bc it's not like this whole fic is based on my own life or anything hA)

Jisung picked up dancing in his last year of middle school - it was just a hobby, but it brought so much fun to him that painting once would. He guessed it was because it's something new, his brain too focused on learning the way to move his body to actually think about his worries - while with drawing, his thoughts used to wander a lot, only for him to suddenly snap back into reality and see whatever he was actually sketching. Most of the time it ended up with him throwing the drawing to the trash, unsatisfied with the results. He couldn't remember when was the last time he's sat in one place, focused on his paper as he drew and drew without any break, until the painting was finally done - but at least now he could drown himself in the music, as his body moved on its own.

Sure, it was hard at first - especially body waves, those frustrated him the most - but one year later, here he was, and now doing a body wave seemed so easy he couldn't believe how long it took him to learn it.

And as he danced his feeling out, pushing himself just a little too much, he didn't bother thinking about the consequences. He knew that later his every muscle is going to hurt, and he knew that he's gonna feel even more shitty because of it, but at the moment, he didn't care.

He's been dealing with all of the emotions for too long, and as he felt tears prickle at the corners of his eyes, he bit his lip, refusing to cry.

But as he his movements turned sloppy, his legs tangled and he fell harshly to the ground, accompanied by the sound of tearing material and his own hiss from the pain.

He didn't even need to check to know that his knee was bleeding, but he didn't pay it any mind - instead, curling on himself and finally letting the sobs take over him.

×

It's a lazy Friday evening when his phone pings with a new notification.

He barely glances at it, too occupied with painting his new assignment, his phone quickly forgotten as he pressed the brush onto the paper, determined to do it right.

But with every line that appeared on the drawing, his brows kept knitting more and more, his expression turning from concentrated to sour.

He pulled his hand back a little bit, staring at the painting for a few, long seconds, before snatching the paper and crushing it in his hands, the painting finding its place right beside the trash can just seconds later.

He let out a sigh, pulling at his hair before glancing at his phone. That's when he remembered the notification and he quickly checked what it was - it was a snapchat.

From Felix.

He took a deep breath, opening the thing, but he sure wasn't ready for what it was.

It was a black and white picture, of an unfinished drawing. There were two hands sketched out, reaching out for each other, but barely touching with the pads of their fingers, and there was a simple _don't leave him hanging_ attached to it.

And Jisung didn't know why, but there suddenly was a lump in his throat, and everything appeared to be too much, too suffocating, and he tried to take a deep breath, but it hurt to do so.

He scratched at his throat, hoping for the feeling to pass, but unfortunately, it just wouldn't leave him alone.

And he didn't even have the energy to reply, throwing his phone under the blankets of his bed instead.

×

The cuts on his knuckles finally seemed to heal, leaving behind ugly scars that he couldn't help but scrunch his face at every time his gaze even fell on them.

Just as he thought, nobody seemed to notice them, the only person knowing about their existence was him - but that didn't stop him from putting on make up, to make them stand out less.

Sometimes, when he's alone in his room, he lets his thoughts wander to Felix.

He thinks about the boy's blonde hair, how at this point it looks so natural on him, like it was always a part of him.

He thinks about Felix's voice, how quiet it used to be when they were just kids, and yet it was so deep now it catches the attention of every passing person.

He thinks about how clean of any scars Felix's knuckles are, and if the boy would notice the scars adorning Jisung's own.

He said it once already - Felix probably would.

Because it was Felix. And when they still got along, the other noticed everything, every little change in his mood, in his expressions.

He also wondered if at this point, Felix could notice any change in Jisung.

They spend so many years apart that he was afraid the other couldn't read him anymore. Because Jisung, he mostly could tell when the other felt awkward or not around him - but there also were those scary moments when Felix's face turned unreadable, and Jisung felt like it was a completely different person he's never saw before.

×

He's in his class, bored out of his mind, when he sees it.

Usually, he spends math just scrolling through Tumblr - he was an artist, for fuck's sake, not a math major - though this time, he was checking out flower meanings.

He's always liked flowers. Not to a point of like, being absolutely in love with them, but enough to have a few of them in his room.

And one time, as he thought about drawing them, he figured that he could also check which one of them he liked the most for their meaning.

But as he stared at the screen of his phone now, he just felt a little bit wrong, a little bit disappointed at himself, the words glaring back at him.

Yellow, it read, was what you shouldn't givee to a partner or a loved one. It symbolized unrequeited love, and sending a yellow tulip to someone meant you're in love with them, but know that they didn't return those feelings.

And even though it made him feel sick, he suddenly knew what his next painting would be of.

It was funny, as yellow was always the color that Felix reminded him of. Kind of ironic, as it perfectly matched his situation.

×

Sometimes, he hates going to college that's so far from where he lives.

In the winter, he lives in the constant circle of waking up at 4.50, taking an hour to get to school, dying from sleep deprivation in there, taking two hours to get back home since there's more traffic at that hour, then collapsing onto his bed and waking up at 7 pm, just to go back to sleep a few hours later.

It's not that he wants it to be that way - it's just that, he's always had trouble falling asleep at night, which left him exhausted for the next day. But as he had to wake up so early for college, his body seemed to finally decide that enough was enough, and made him sleep right after his head finally hit the pillow - which, in the process, made falling asleep at night even more difficult, since he just took a four hour nap before.

Because of that, he barely saw Changbin anymore. Sure, they talked a lot through text, but to be quite honest, Jisung missed his friend dearly. It wasn't the same way he missed Felix, but it was still there, and as he stared up at his ceiling at night, the harsh rain outside making him unable to drift off to sleep, he felt even more lonely than he usually did.

And yeah, he liked the college he chose, that's where he wanted to go since the beggining, and the art classes were just the perfect thing - but it hurt.

He didn't have that many friends, so when he couldn't meet with any of them, the isolation made him stressed about the most ridiculous things.

And as his phone once again pinged with a notification, and his quick glance confirmed that it was from Felix, he just couldn't help but feel his lip tremble the slightest bit.

It wasn't a new feeling, but sometimes, just sometimes, it suddenly hit him just how long it has been since he last time called Felix his best friend out loud.

And sometimes, just sometimes, he let himself be weak and cry into his pillow as he thought about the blonde boy.

Because he just missed him so much, but wasn't able to tell him so. They saw each other every few weeks recently - and he felt like at this point it would make him look even more desperate than he already was.

And he ignored his phone again, another bubble of notifications appearing on the screen as he sobbed, his knuckles white from grasping the pillow so tightly.


End file.
